On Not Being So Naive

This Mercury Retrograde brought up an ongoing challenge and life long lesson, regarding trust and friendships. So I put together a list of all the things I have learned so far through all the painful experiences of letting go of connections that no longer served me.

  1. For any new connections, it’s the same as dating.  There will be an instant attraction, connection, comfort, and or sense of knowing.  It’s exciting to feel connected, to meet new people, it triggers endorphins.  Feeling safe in being yourself is something that we have to both learn and heal to achieve as a state of being, not as a conditional response to external factors.  Therefore, be yourself, be open, trust, but the key is doing so without expectations.  Understanding that creating a lasting friendship / connection is something that is built with time, as you go through layers with one another.  So step back and see that you will with every encounter get to see more and more layers of a person.  Let people show you who they are with time. 


  2. This brings me to the second point, which is when they show you who they are, pay attention.  This is how we learn discernment.  Discernment is the positive, conscious flip side of judgement.  Pay attention to your gut feelings, to any red flags and just keep note because this is how you start to see the whole picture of a person. 

  • Things to look out for are: person’s character, their integrity, emotional reactions.  Defensiveness, ability to communicate and express feelings and thoughts in an open and honest manner.  Ability to listen to various perspectives and go into a place of understanding instead of defensiveness.  Ability to take responsibility.  Level of self-awareness.  Level of taking responsibility for their lives. 


  • Additional things to pay attention to is balance in the friendship.  See where there are imbalances in giving and receiving.  Don’t ever expect more from people than what they show you they are capable of giving.  Accepting people where they are means accepting their limitations.   However, it does not mean give more, it means give consciously and without expectations and fairly.  It isn’t just about the persons’ limitations, it is also accepting the limits of that friendship and how much it is going to support you back,  If it’s not as supportive as what you offer, then it’s not as close of a friendship and you wanted or expected it to be and your job is to accept that and adjust accordingly.


  • Always pay attention to person’s boundaries.  Whether they respect boundaries.  Whether they have to many boundaries, which indicates defensiveness and being emotionally closed off.

     
  • Assess person’s ability to connect, genuinely and consciously.


  • Personally because I am committed to life long personal growth and healing – I have found that my connections with individuals committed to the same level of soul growth that I am able to maintain a long lasting connection with. Birds of a feather stick together – except replace feather with frequency.


  • I also learned the hard way through many experiences, that you pay attention to how the person treats other people.  How they respond to difficult situations with others, because even though it currently may not have anything to do with you, trust and believe that when conflict comes, you aren’t going to be any different. 


  • And my Biggest Determining Factor is: Walking on Egg Shells.  I don’t want anyone walking on eggshells with me.  That isn’t a friendship.  Given a few eggshells are okay, it’s being human.  A mind field of eggshells, indicates a person who does not self-reflect, take responsibility for their lives and or emotions, and will gas light, project and deflect.  If a specific person (meaning it’s not a general response you have to all people, which would indicate areas of healing needed for you) triggers a feeling of not being safe expressing thoughts or feelings or being direct and honest about things because person will get defensive or upset, then it’s not a friendship. 

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