I had the most intense healing experience today that I felt the need to share. I woke up feeling stomach discomfort and an increase in heart palpitations that normally indicate some fear or resistance surfacing. I laid down thinking this would be a simple quick healing. I started from the Sacral Chakra area and gradually up until I hit a spot on the far left side of my heart Chakra (where the breast begins).
The moment my consciousness went into that space I saw the vivid image of me from a past life holding the lifeless body of my daughter. In that instant, I felt the intensity of all the emotions connected to it as if my body were re-living it. I started to cry violently with such despair, wailing and unable to breathe. In all my healing experiences nothing like this has ever happened.
I then brought my vision to before the death. The me in that lifetime was extremely connected to what i will refer to as the Mother Heart. The me in that lifetime felt abundantly and infinitely fulfilled in a grounded and earthly way. Her smile was one of those smiles that you feel was shaped by the love in her heart; it too felt expansive. I felt such love and admiration for the me that existed in that time and who in essence I truly am. I then returned to after the death. I felt the complete numbness that took over every part of my being. It was a wound so brutal that the swelling around it would be carried over through many of my precedent lifetimes.
From that moment on I loss all desire to be a mother. It wasn’t out of fear, anger, and or avoidance, it truly was just a complete numbing. I was also able to see how this affected my womb and sacral chakra. I became a more practical left brain person. This served a higher purpose as I would not be the healer I am today had I not also developed my logical masculine brain equally to that of my right feminine emotional brain.
I was explained in a non literal but metaphorical manner that the immediate and intense shock response that triggered numbness actually protected that emotional wound from becoming infected (i.e.g anger, resentment). This then allowed for the natural and intelligently designed process of healing to occur lifetime after lifetime without added complications. As the numbing response lessened it allowed me to gradually and cautiously start to feel through my Heart Center again making me more aware of their being something greater I was meant to experience. Misguidedly I began to believe that romantic love was the only way to awaken this sense of fulfillment. Thus the search for a soul mate was created.
And in a story I am not yet ready to share, I did get the experience I asked for in this lifetime. For now, I’ll only share that this intense romantic love served to teach me the truth of what love was and wasn’t. However when I yet did not know what I know now, I was propelled on the wings of complete inloveness and the intoxicating feeling of that state to expand the bandwidth of my heart. The disconnect to becoming a mother effortlessly faded ~ it all just felt like a natural conclusion to the opening of one’s heart to love exponentially.
Needless to say, that I love my daughter in a way that’s honestly indescribable. I will do the impossible because of her. Despite my fear of heights I would gladly reach the farthest point of earth’s atmosphere and free fall from that altitude. I believe I could walk through walls if that was the only way to get to her. However, being outwardly heroic is easy.
More importantly is the ability to heal yourself in order to the the person your child needs you to be. Motherhood has made me fearless and fiercely committed to healing anything that keeps me from being the mother she needs. I will face the darkest ugliest and most insecure parts of me to come out the other end a better person, a better role model, and more of what would nourish her soul.
I am going to very vulnerable which is frightening because of how strong a mother’s guilt can be. The pressure to be the impossible – a perfect anything, but especially a perfect mother and the needless shame of always feeling you fall a little short. My experience today led me to understand how past life trauma affected my ability to connect from my higher heart. The connection previously seemed more mind centered; not saying I din’t feel it in my heart – however it took much more conscious effort to maintain it there. Writing this, I am told that it’s not that the mind can’t love, it can as much as the heart, it however is limited in it’s ability to feel and experience that love. The mind is more likely to focus on things that become restrictive such as time; responsibilities; whereas the heart is more present focused and just flows in a dimension of eternalness.
A powerful shift in my heart chakra has taken place creating a clearer stronger connection to the rest of my consciousness.
There is a type of joy that only the heart center can connect to that I have more fully opened up to as of today.