On Not Being So Naive

I put together a list of all the things learned thus far about discernment and genuine healthy vs connections.

  1. For any new connections it can sometimes be similar to dating.  There may be an instant attraction, comfort, and or sense of knowing.  This part is exciting as it triggers endorphins.  Feeling safe in being yourself is something that we have to both learn and heal to achieve as a state of being, not as a conditional response to external factors.  Therefore be yourself, be open but do so without expectations. There is a difference between having standards and setting expectations. Standards are boundaries, expectations are bets. We expect someone to be something without knowing anything about them.

    Creating a lasting friendship / connection is something that is built with time, as you go through layers with one another.  So step back let people show you who they are. Anything that moves to fast is a red flag for codependency and an unhealthy connection.


  2. This brings me to the second point which is when they show you who they are pay attention.  This is how we learn discernment.  Discernment is the positive, conscious flip side of judgement.  Pay attention to your gut feelings, to any red flags and just keep note because this is how you start to see the whole picture of a person. 

  • Things to look out for are: person’s character, integrity, level of defensiveness, ability to communicate and express feelings and thoughts in an open and honest manner.  Ability to listen to various perspectives and go into a place of understanding.  Ability to take responsibility for their actions and lives.  Level of self-awareness. 


  • Additional things to pay attention to is balance in the friendship.  See where there are imbalances in giving and receiving.  Don’t ever expect more from people than what they have shown you they are capable of giving.  Accepting people where they are means accepting their limitations.  

    It isn’t just about the persons’ limitations, it is also accepting the limits of that friendship and how much it is going to support you back.  If it’s not as supportive as what you wanted or expected it to be then it’s not as close of a friendship. It is your responsibility to accept and adjust accordingly.

    This doesn’t mean have no boundaries – it means working with the reality of what is and not what we wanted it to be. This allows you to make clear and conscious choices that are right and healthy for you.

  • Always pay attention to person’s boundaries.  Whether they respect their own boundaries and that of others.  However, having too many boundaries indicates defensiveness and being emotionally closed off.

     
  • Assess person’s ability to connect, genuinely and consciously.


  • Personally due to my commitment to personal growth and healing – I have found that I am better able to maintain long lasting connections with those who share a similar sense of commitment.


  • Through many experiences I have learned to pay attention to how person treats others. Because even though it currently may not have anything to do with you, trust and believe that when conflict comes, you aren’t going to be any different. 


  • And my Biggest Determining Factor is: Walking on Egg Shells.  A few eggshells are okay, it’s being human.  A mine field of eggshells indicates a person who does not self-reflect, take responsibility for their lives and or emotions, and will gas light, project and deflect.  If a specific person (meaning it’s not a general response you have to all people, which would indicate areas of healing needed for you) triggers a feeling of not being safe expressing thoughts or feelings or being direct and honest about things because it causes them to get defensive and or upset, then it’s not a friendship. 

The Darth Vader Path

Fear is one of the greatest challenges to human evolution – some of the strongest and most gifted are among the ones to get stuck crown deep in the quicksand of fear.

I often use Luke Sky Walker and Dark Vader as the perfect examples of the two roads an individual can go when powerfully connected.  If fear, defense, judgement, mistrust, control, power and anger become your driving force – then you have gone into the dark side.  If on the flip side you are driven by love, empathy, discernment, wholeness, Integrity and understanding then you are walking the path of consciousness.

Being highly empathic is excruciatingly difficult at times  in a world of such polarized duality.  There are lessons empaths need to learn to avoid falling into hopelessness or worse complete defensiveness and judgement.

I know what is needed as it is always the same – Acceptance, balance and ultimately the integration of the duality that exist within us all.

Fear when it goes into defensiveness causes splitting and Fragmentation between the light and the dark.  The dark consumed by anger always begins to hate it’s other half – the empath, the vulnerable, the feminine.

Fear when internalized causes continual powerlessness, avoidance and paranoia.

The larger the fear the more difficult to work out of.

I  used to often say that I couldn’t work with hopelessness because I operate solely on hope.  But a recent experience thought me this isn’t true.  I can work with hopelessness because it’s not hope I offer, it’s truth.

I have gained enough knowledge and experience to manage hopelessness and defensiveness on their own.  However, I am puzzled still by the ones equally split between defensiveness and hopelessness.  These individuals are the ones that fully reject, refuse and defend against truth.  The hopelessness does not believe in a way out; the defensiveness has invested in their not being a way out.  So there is a circular argument  that begins to occur within sessions in which a person utilizes several defense mechanism to either deny the possibility of healing – or deflect.

It is emotionally uncomfortable for me to watch a person remain in suffering when I have the ability to guide them into connecting to their potential.   However, unconditional love is acceptance of what is, without judgement and with compassion honoring everyone’s path – knowing that we are each exactly where we need to be, serving our a higher purpose and plan.

There is a power in surrender that is true to healers as well.

Fear

There is a defining moment for every healer in which the limit of how far into the human psyche one can go, without becoming a little unhinged yourself, is reached.   A moment where something just feels a little too dark, too hopeless, or too far gone.

I haven’t reached that limit yet.  Although there have been moment in which I questioned whether I should go any further.   The reason I have continued to venture further further is because somewhere a long the path, I came across a monumental Truth.   This single Truth is the answer to every single situation no matter how challenging.

The truth is……

Fear 

Nothing else but Fear dominates these darker realms; and Fear is the master of illusion.  Everything in the shadow realm is illusions created by fear to keep an individual from reaching the places that need healing.  The deeper we go into the human psyche the darker and more twisted it gets.

We enter the land of Oz, where light and dark are at odds.  Where every Yellow Brick Road leading to the Emerald Castle (consciousness) first must travel through the Haunted Forest and the Field of Poppies.   To make it through you need heart, bravery and a strong mind.   Otherwise without a lions heart we succumb to fear at the first fright and into the deep sleep of unconsciousness we start to go.

And now my beauties, something with poison in it I think, with poison in it, but attractive to the eye and soothing to the smell . . . poppies, poppies, poppies will put them to sleep. —The Wicked Witch of the West, The Wizard of Oz

In that moment of understanding, I became Neo and all the Mr. Smith agents, flying monkey’s and poppy fields became mere holograms that could be walked through.

Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
Morpheus: No, Neo. I’m trying to tell you that when you’re ready, you won’t have to.

Mental Rubik’s Cube

I take on Psychology like it’s a mental Rubik’s cube.

Everyone’s psyche is like a whole universe of it’s own.

I remember as a kid enjoying puzzles and demystifying things.  I knew without knowing that the key to unlocking the secret to anything was in it’s understanding.   What I mean by understanding is – having a deeper knowing of a thing’s nature and or essence.

When you understand a Rubik’s cube then you knew how to bring it back to it’s original state no matter how many times it got twisted.

Within the psyche there are different layering dimensions.   However everything in existence has patterns and ways of moving that is specific to it’s nature.  This is true for emotions and emotions are the basis of behavior.

Furthermore, each emotion to me is like a color in the Rubik’s cube.

My psychological framework evolved when I realized that raw unfiltered emotions and mental logical reasoning need to integrate for wholeness and healing to occur.

Through the ability to integrate the two, I was able to observe and learn the patterns and rhythms of the psyche.  One major observation was that every emotional reaction and consequent behavior, despite how irrational had a rational purpose.  That nothing exists without reason.

Under this framework, all psychological challenges become a puzzle that can be solved.  You become the psychological Sherlock Holmes, with the powers of deduction.  Things become more predictable once the common patterns and rhythms of things become known.

A Rubik’s cube despite how many twists it’s received becomes easily decipherable once you understand it’s structure and it’s limited range of movements.   In fact if you Google how to solve a Rubik’s cube this is what shows up:  The Rubik’s cube is solved LAYER by LAYER.

You could easily and truthfully say the same of the human psyche.